29.08.2006, Do not let yourself go

"Do not let yourself go", these were the first words I heard.
It was enough to have me starting the day with bricks in my stomach. It reminded me of yesterday night's events. It reminded me of what a pathetic wretch I was. "Do not let yourself go".

Oh no ! Life was supposed to start today, Tuesday. It was supposed to start anew. I was supposed to wake up with a new self, a clear conscience, a light mind.
I was supposed to... have forgotten about it, the weight of my past sins. Slumber was supposed to have wiped it all away. Again, slumber had failed. Again, I was stuck within myself. And these words, "Do not let yourself go"...

Drying my hair suddenly appeared to me as something I could be doing for the rest of my life without being bothered. I felt fine, everything felt fine. There was no-one there to tell me not to "let myself go" for I was alone and I didn't – and I wouldn't – let myself go.